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Earlier this week, my fellow creativity coach, Laura Hegfield, had the wonderful idea of creating a special Thanksgiving blog consisting of gratitude quotes from different people in her life. She wrote:
“I would like it if all of you special earth angels would write a sentence or two about what you are grateful for in your life…in the moment you receive this message…or the minute you have time to get to it…but be present when you write. Don’t think too much…just close your eyes…breathe into the moment and allow the feeling of gratitude to arise…then write words that flow from your deep well of truth.”
Later in the week, a friend of Laura’s asked Laura if it would be okay to do the same thing on her blog. Laura thought that would be excellent. She also thought it would be wonderful if everyone would consider doing the same thing on their blogs, thereby making “a worldwide blogging event.”
This sounds like an awesome idea to me. Therefore, I am inviting you to write a paragraph here about those things for which you are grateful and also to ask others to do the same on your blogs. I look forward to reading your gratitude comments.
My response to Laura’s request:
I am grateful for the wonders permeating my life – my golden retrievers Liza Jolie and Zydeco Ardoin, my friends, my coaching practice, and so many other things. I am grateful for literature, music, theatre, and dance. I am grateful for the ability to learn and the amazing educational opportunities I have had over the years. I am grateful for colors, sunlight, cloud formations in the sky, and beautiful sunsets. I am grateful for mountains and oceans. I am grateful for rivers and the sound of running water from the fountains in my house. I am grateful for the wonderful experiences I have had and even more grateful for the difficult experiences. It is the difficult experiences that have made me stronger and given me the most occasion for growth. I am grateful that I can choose how I perceive circumstances, that I can find the gift in adversity. I am grateful for Buddhism, God, and my spiritual practice. I am grateful for this precious human life I have been given.
Thanks so much Laura for giving me the opportunity to be a part of your worldwide blogging event.
Laura Hegfield’s Website Address: (http://www.shinethedivine.com/Site/Welcome.html)
I am off to Phoenix to get my inner genius unleashed by Martha Beck. I can’t tell you how excited and happy I am to be attending this weekend seminar on the right brain and creativity. I can’t wait to share what I learn on my blog!
Circumstances don’t always happen for the best, but we always can make the best of the circumstances that happen. (Tal Ben-Shahar)
I have two clients, Eloise and Ellie. Yesterday, I had a session with each of them, and this is what they told me:
Eloise: When I was a senior in high school, I was accepted to a very prestigious university. I was extremely excited because it had the best theatre program in the country. My dream had always been to star on Broadway.
Shortly after starting my freshman year, I fell madly in love with another theatre major. We decided to live together which turned out to be a gigantic nightmare. He was a total jerk. He expected me to do all of the household cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry – you name it. I got so wrapped up in trying to make him happy that I neglected my studies. I ended up flunking several classes, being put on academic probation, and told I couldn’t return to school for a year. As soon as my boyfriend learned that I was on probation, he told me that he had met someone else and wanted me to move out. As you can imagine, I was devastated.
I returned home, and my parents were not at all supportive. Absolutely nothing would go my way. Mom and Dad told me that they would not pay for any more of my college education. They let me live at home, but that was all. In order to earn money, I got a job teaching drama at an inner city high school. The kids were great, and I was amazed at how much my class made a difference in their lives. I liked my job, but really it was a big waste of time. I wanted to be pursuing my dream of starring on Broadway.
Of course, at the end of the year, I had not earned enough money to pay the prestigious university’s tuition. I applied to and was accepted at a small community college near my home. The college awarded me financial aid. This was great because financial aid made it possible for me to attend full time. To my surprise, the college had a relatively good theatre program, but it was nothing compared to that offered by the prestigious university.
I attended the community college for two years and actually ended up really enjoying it. But nothing good lasts forever. Because of cutbacks in the city budget, the college lost funding for its performing arts program. I was unable to get financial assistance for my senior year. I ended up having to work part-time and going to school part-time. I got a job teaching drama at the same inner city high school. I was heart-broken that it was going to take two more years, instead of one, to get my degree.
A wonderful visiting professor came to teach at the community college during my last semester there. I took one of his classes, and he thought I had a lot talent. It turned out that he had strong connections to one of the finest conservatory theatres in the country. Upon his recommendation, I was accepted into that conservatory theatre’s program. Finally, a big step forward in realizing my dream.
Being the unlucky person I am, my experience with the conservatory theatre ended up being horrendous. Because I wasn’t willing to compromise my integrity, I never got any of the good parts. Also, the students were unbelievably competitive and cutthroat. They’d knive you in the back in a heartbeat. I was so miserable that I dropped out of the program. So here I am – teaching drama at the inner city high school once again. My dream of starring on Broadway has been completely shattered.
Ellie: When I was a senior in high school, I was accepted to a very prestigious university. I was extremely excited because it had the best theatre program in the country. My dream had always been to star on Broadway.
Shortly after starting my freshman year, I fell madly in love with another theatre major. We decided to live together. He was drop dead gorgeous and a talented actor. He wasn’t always nice to me, but I really adored him and wanted to make him happy. Unfortunately, I devoted too much time to the relationship and neglected my studies. I ended up flunking several classes, being placed on academic probation, and told I couldn’t return to school for a year. As soon as my boyfriend learned that I was on probation, he told me that he had met someone else and wanted me to move out. As you can imagine, I was devastated. However, I learned some important lessons that year. I learned not to jump into a relationship too quickly and that it is important to take care of my own needs as well as those of others.
I returned home. I was hurt when my parents told me that they would not pay for any more of my college education. They were kind enough, however, to let me live at home. In order to earn money, I got a job teaching drama in an inner city high school. The kids were great, and I was amazed at how much they got out of my class. I loved my job; it felt wonderful to be making a difference in the kids’ lives.
I didn’t make enough money to pay for tuition at the prestigious university, but I earned enough to pay for classes at a small community college near where I lived. I applied to the college and was accepted. Much to my delight, the college offered me financial assistance, which enabled me to attend school full-time.
I lived at home and attended the community college for two years. To my surprise, the college had a good theatre program. I really enjoyed being a student there. Just prior to my senior year, the city made budgetary cutbacks. Unfortunately, the community college lost funding for its performing arts program. I was very disappointed when I learned that the college was unable to offer me any financial assistance for my senior year. It was going to take two years, instead of one, to graduate.
However, this ended up working out well for several reasons. Once again, I worked at the inner city high school. I loved going to work every day; the kids were fantastic. It also happened that a wonderful visiting professor taught at the community college my last semester there. Had I graduated any earlier, I never would have met him. I took one of his classes, and he thought I had a lot of talent. It turned out that he had strong connections to one of the finest conservatory theatres in the country. Upon his recommendation, I was accepted into that conservatory theatre’s program. This was a big step forward in realizing my dream.
I was at the conservatory theatre for almost a year. It was a difficult year. I worked extremely hard but never got the parts I wanted. I also learned how cut-throat people in theatre can be. I was miserable and decided to drop out of the program. I returned home and thought a great deal about my conservatory theatre experience and what I wanted to do. I realized that I wasn’t cut out for a career in theatre. I also remembered how happy I had been teaching drama at the inner city high school. I ended up scheduling an interview with the school, and fortunately they hired me. So here I am today doing what I love most – teaching drama to kids and making a difference in their lives.
By now you have figured out that Eloise and Ellie inhabit the same human body. They are not the same person, however. Eloise is a fault finder, and as such, will always see the glass as half empty. Ellie, on the other hand, is a benefit finder and blissfully knows that the glass is half full.
How about you? Are you a fault finder or a benefit finder?
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. (Benjamin Disraeli)
Many of us grow up believing that experiencing emotions, particularly deep painful emotions, is a sign of weakness or flaw. When we fell down on the playground and skinned our knees, our teachers said, “Big kids don’t cry.” If we were anxious about something, our parents told us to settle down. Expressing our anger subjected us to disapproving looks or even worse. We didn’t dare express our fear. Doing so meant that our friends would taunt us with names like “Chicken” or “Scaredy Cat.” I remember my father nicknaming me Sarah Bernhardt. Whenever I was emotional, he would say “Now Sarah,” dismissing everything I was feeling at the time.
When we experience painful emotions, we have a tendency to think, “Something must be wrong with me.” Experiencing such emotions, however, is not only natural but healthy. According to positive psychologist, Tal Ben-Shahar, there are only two types of people who don’t experience deep painful emotions: psychopaths and the dead. If you can experience deep painful emotions – Congratulations! That’s good news.
Because painful emotions are natural, we must give ourselves permission to experience them. In Tal Ben-Shahar’s words, we must give ourselves “permission to be human.” We pay a heavy price when we suppress our painful emotions; we jeopardize our mental and physical well-being. We also jeopardize our ability to experience positive emotions. When we suppress negative emotions, we inadvertently suppress positive emotions as well.
There is nothing wrong about feeling grief, anger, fear, anxiety, envy, jealousy…. Acting hurtfully or otherwise inappropriately based on these emotions may very well be wrong. Experiencing emotions is neither good nor bad. It just is. Rather than judging our emotions, it is important to accept them for what they are. They are an inevitable part of our human nature.
If we suppress painful emotions, they will fester and possibly lead to inappropriate behavior. According to Tal Ben-Shahar, people who suppress their anxiety are more likely to act cowardly. Similarly, people who suppress their anger or hate are more likely to behave in a hurtful manner.
The question isn’t whether it is good or bad to experience painful emotions. The question is “What do I do with these emotions?” or “How can I channel these emotions toward a positive end?” In the future when we experience painful emotions, we can help ourselves by being present in the experience and allowing the emotions to flow through us. The pain will not go away, but it will become manageable. We also can help ourselves by learning the lessons our experience has for us – lessons about faith, strength, empathy, kindness, and compassion.
In a branch of psychology known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (“ACT”), practitioners refer to two types of pain – clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain results from real events that cause us to suffer a loss or injury. The death of a loved one and a broken limb are examples of clean pain. Dirty pain results from our thoughts, or the story we tell ourselves, about the real events. The hurt I felt when my last relationship ended was clean pain. After I experienced this hurt, my mind busied itself with thoughts such as “I’m not lovable,” “I’ll always be alone,” “Why does this always happen to me?” and so on. These thoughts were dirty pain. The more I harbored these thoughts, the more I became trapped in an ugly story.
